Been lost … Still not found …

Its been way too long since I have spilled my guts … Other than working my butt off I have been busy courting this guy. Its been a mess, once again he looks great on paper and I really like him it’s just that after a few dates things just seem to be going south pretty fast. We disagree on way too much and he has a propensity to argue. I am the total opposite, arguing is a total waste of time and also so far out of my wheelhouse that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t tend to use bad language but if I’m arguing the word fuck used way too much.

So now I’m in a really weird place with him, I want to feel like I’m trying to make it work but on the other hand, fear i might be setting myself up for failure. Even worse now that I’m seeing someone every Tom, Dick, and Harry is all about me . WTF is this i went from slim pickings to 99 problems none of which is a hoe. Making sticking in there even harder than not.

Well, yesterday this guy I was mad crushing on popped up out the blue with a text. I immediately began to compare the two… The only reason guy B and I didn’t even date was because of me. I just wanted to be alone after a break. I was trying to find myself, you know this new age crap. But soon after he began seeing someone else so I thought “shit my loss” so when guy A came around, I thought maybe I shouldn’t wait till I felt ready and just go for it.

Both are attractive, …..  Sensitive ….. Smart …. But guy B makes me crave something more. & the only reason I ended up with person A was that I thought I couldn’t have B.


Work is going well , I’m always extremely tired but when payday arrives I remember why i run myself thin … Well i will be back to writing now that things are a bit settled . And my absence hasn’t stopped me from gathering material for future post … So please stay tuned … Image


GiovanniA father shot his 14-year-old gay son, with police attributing the murder in part to the boy’s sexual orientation.

Henderson police in Nevada say 53-year-old Wendell Melton shot and killed his son Giovanni in the morning of Thursday 2 November.

Sonja Jones is Giovanni’s former foster mom and said Wendell always had a thing against his son’s sexuality.

She told 3 News: ‘He hated the fact that his son was gay.

‘I’m sure that inside of his mind, he would rather have a dead son than a gay son,’ she said.

Giovanni-MeltonGiovanni attended Coronado High School, and friends say he brought smiles to the faces of everyone he knew.

Jones claims Wendell previously caught Giovanni with his boyfriend and then pulled a gun on him.

She added: ‘Giovanni was abused physically and mentally and spiritually for many, many years.’

Heated argument turned violent

Neighbors say a heated argument turned violent in the Horizons at Seven Hills apartment complex on the day of the incident.

Michael Chandler lives in the apartment building and said many of the neighbors heard the gunshots. He said: ‘They heard a huge argument.

‘They listened to the argument and then apparently the father shot his son,’ he said.

Neighbors also claim the gay son was often left home alone and unsupervised. They also recount instances where Giovanni claimed his father mistreated him.

Jones said: ‘I hope they throw the book at him. I hope he never sees the light of day.

‘I hope every day when he looks in the mirror, he sees his son’s face,’ she said.

Wendell Melton faces charges of open murder, child abuse, and prohibited person possessing a firearm.





I have garnered this real fear of starting something new for fear that it will end painfully. I know, I’m cra. But still, I’m unwilling to make the leap. I think it may be a deep seeded insecurity that is ripping away at my soul. and I realize this isn’t stranger things and I dont have eleven to save me. But I really need saving,


Im tired of digging graves for relationships before they even start.



Signs You’ve Hit Rock Bottom In Your Single Life

Hitting rock bottom is never a bad thing because it means you’re on your way back up to brighter things — but when you’re a gay man who’s single AF, the process is daunting and occasionally even hilarious. It’s not just about bad dates and spending important events and holidays alone, either; hitting rock bottom in your single life is a whole new ballgame. Here are some tell-tale signs that you’ve been through the worst of it and you’re on your way up again:

1. YOU’D RATHER HAVE ANOTHER DATE NIGHT WITH MR. FLUFFY THAN AN ACTUAL GUY.Most of your nights are blissfully spent at home in your PJs with your pet pillow because you can’t fathom leaving the house for any social activity. In fact, it’s tiring you out just thinking about it. You’re exhausted both emotionally and physically, so you’ve resolved to live the hermit life until something or someone seriously worthy comes along. And even then you don’t trust your lying feelings and pesky eyes.

2. YOU OWN MORE COMFY CLOTHES THAN GOING OUT CLOTHES.You’re probably not even sure how your jeans fit you anymore because you haven’t worn them for months. Your go-to items are all about comfort and as soon as you’re in the door from work, the pants come off, bonnet goes on ( yes I wear a silk bonnet to bed)and sweatpants go on. Ahhh, pure joy!

3. YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU REPLACED YOUR RAZOR BLADES. Shaving? What’s that? And for whom would you even consider shaving? I

4. YOUR COWORKERS ARE CONSTANTLY ASKING IF YOU’RE OKAY BECAUSE YOUR LOOK HAS… CHANGED, TO PUT IT KINDLY.Your colleagues wonder if you’re ill or if you’ve been up all night partying due to the state of your appearance. You used to be expertly put together on a daily basis (in case of eligible bachelor sightings) but you could care less now. jeans and sweatshirts are your BFF’s now.

5. YOUR MOM OFFERS TO PAY FOR YOUR ONLINE DATING MEMBERSHIP.Your parents are legit worried about the state of your future, and yes, their future too. As you feel their biological grandparent clocks start to tick, they offer to pay the tab for a or eHarmony account to get you off “that Tinder crap”, as they like to call it.

6. YOU’VE ALREADY DATED YOUR FIRST THREE GRINDR MATCHES.When you do log onto to Grindr to hopefully seek a future boyfriend or an actual date for that matter, you’re met with a list of familiar faces that you’ve already dated but you swipe right anyway. You’re not above recycling anymore.

7. YOUR FRIENDS HAVE STOPPED GIVING YOU A PLUS-ONE INVITE.It’s just assumed now that you won’t have someone to bring to any wedding or holiday gathering you attend, so all of your envelopes are marked “Dear Single friend” and your RSVPs are requested for you and you only.

8. YOU’RE ALWAYS THE FIRST TO LEAVE PARTIES.You’re the first one to make a stealth exit from parties to the point that you’ve gotten really good at leaving without those awkward goodbyes and answering those, “So what are you up to for the rest of the night?” questions. Everyone knows the answer and you’re eager to get to it, which is home to the comfort of your pajamas and away from social interaction among other happy couples.

9. YOU HAVE NO ACTIVE MEMBERS IN YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK AND YOU LIKE IT THAT WAY.You stopped hooking up with your friend with benefits a long time ago and your bedposts are so dusty, you could write poetry on them. You’re not just single, you’re so painfully single that sex and being intimate with anything that isn’t battery operated has become a completely foreign concept to you.

10. YOU SERIOUSLY DGAF THAT YOU’RE SINGLE.Rock bottom isn’t the worst place to be, but it’s clear that you’re there and it actually doesn’t really faze you at all. You’re on your own — maybe it’ll be that way forever or maybe it won’t; only time will tell. The funny thing about being at the rock bottom of your single life is that it’s actually a pretty comfortable place to be. Sure, the people around you might take notice of your single AF lifestyle and your blatant disregard for romance, but that’s probably exactly where you’ll be when you finally meet the right person. Like they say, you have to hit rock bottom before you start to see amazing things start to happen so embrace your rock bottom single life. It’s a sign something is about to change for the better.


If you’ve dated a lot of a-holes who treated you like crap, the prospect of a good and honest man probably seems like a miracle — then, out of nowhere, that miracle shows up. While it’s awesome that you finally have a great guy in your life, the thought of dating and getting serious with him is actually pretty terrifying. Meeting a nice guy is actually scary AF when you’re used to dating a-holes.

1. YOU’RE NOT SURE IF YOU LIKE HIM ALL THAT MUCH IN THE BEGINNING. When a nice guy finally shows up, it’s hard to find yourself fully attracted to him right off the bat. It’s not that he’s not awesome, it’s just that you’re used to that stomach flip and the element of danger that comes with meeting a guy who’s a complete jerk. Like, what? No drama? What’s the catch?

2. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.When you’re used to a-holes and finally meet a guy who’s truly kind, you’re always waiting and assuming that there’s some dark secret or crappy behavior is just around the corner. It gets scarier as things progress too. Basically, dating a nice guy after a bunch of a-holes is kind of like watching a horror movie — the gloomy music chimes hard and you’re waiting for the killer to jump out at any given moment, but then you realize you’re actually just watching a Disney movie and there’s nothing scary about it at all.

3. YOU THINK HIS KIND GESTURES HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.When the nice guy does something, well, nice, you can’t help but turn your head to the side a little and wonder what he actually wants in return for this foreign act of kindness. Is he just trying to get in your pants? Is this some type of acid trip? Is he actually human? WTF!

4. IT’S HARD FOR YOU TO REALLY OPEN UP AROUND HIM.Because your past has taught you to be a little more guarded going forward, it genuinely takes you a while to open up to a guy who’s finally sweet to you. You’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable before and it kicked you in the face, so you’re going to be a little hesitant to let him truly have a piece of your heart. It’s a scary ass process, but you’ll get there.


6. YOU’RE HESITANT TO LET YOURSELF GET COMFORTABLE.Meeting a nice guy after a ton of a-holes isn’t just scary, it’s a slow process to get yourself to a real place of comfort. You question what parts of your softness he deserves because so far, everyone before him has left you with nothing but disappointment. Why can’t this dating crap just be easier? Ugh.

7. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY ON GUARD WAITING FOR THE A-HOLE BEHAVIOR.Just as you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, you might find yourself analyzing this guy who seems too good to be true, wondering where his a-hole flag is hiding. You’ve been with so many idiots who have flipped the script on you before when you thought you were in safe territory, so it’s hard to believe that pattern won’t repeat. Remember, no matter how many a-holes you’ve experienced, there are nice guys out there too — this could finally be one of them.

8. YOU REALIZE YOU MIGHT HAVE FOUND A UNICORN, THEN PROCEED TO FREAK OUT FURTHER.Once you finally come to the realization that you’re not, in fact, dreaming, high, or in an alternate universe, you start to think that this guy could be the guy you’ve been hoping for all along. Just as you begin to enjoy it, you realize how scary it is that you might have actually found your unicorn — you just had to brave a bunch of a-holes first. Don’t freak out, you’ve got this.


Dear Black Parents, You Need To Stop Doing These 13 Things

We all know there are fundamental differences between raising black children and raising white children. But black parents really do some of the most bizarre and damaging things. Here is an incomplete list of things black parents really need to stop doing to their children.

1. Requiring us to contribute financially while we are still in our teen years and early twenties.

Many black parents, especially, encourage their children to start working as soon as they are the legal age too. That in itself is not usually a problem.

Where the issue comes in is when black parents funnel most, if not all, of their children income into their own. My first year out of high school was also my first year working, my mother took every last penny I made. I wasn’t able to save. Not for a car, not for college, not for new clothes. Nothing.

2. Using public embarrassment as punishment.

We’ve all seen those viral photos of black parents giving their sons the “old man haircut,” when they’ve gone to school and showed their ass by trying to “act grown” and they are hilarious… on the surface.

But public humiliation not only makes your child a target for bullying but can cause undue stress and lead to low self-esteem. Whatever happened to just spanking, sending us to bed without dinner or taking away our electronics for a weekend?

3. Threatening our lives.

First of all, it’s counterproductive. Second of all, it’s emotional abuse. If a husband did it to a wife, everyone would tell her to get out of the marriage. If someone did it to a co-worker, they’d probably be terminated, best case.

Worst case, the police would be called. So, why is it less harmful to do it to your own child?

4. Beating and physically abusing us.

Discipline is a big thing in black households. Belts, switches and big ass spoons are very familiar to the rear ends of many black children.

But some parents take it too far. I can remember at one point growing up my mom forcefully dragging me out of the car kicking and screaming and leaving me on the side of the road in the middle of the night for not responding to her in a conversation quick enough. Then when I finally made it home after a 10-minute walk, throwing a glass at my head upon walking through the door.

Was this really justified?

Now, spanking is one thing. A belt to the back of the legs is one thing. But beating your child is an entirely different animal. It’s abuse. Stop teaching us that love and physical pain go hand in hand.

5. Discouraging us from pursuing the arts.

While the arts can oftentimes be a hard business to get into, it can also be very lucrative. Whether it’s singing, writing, or directing, there are tons of avenues into the business, especially in 2017. Not to say you shouldn’t encourage a backup plan, but life is too short and too sad to stand in the way of your children’s creativity or dreams.

6. Partaking in homophobia and encouraging violence towards the LGBTQ community.

Homophobia is rampant in the black community, especially for the Caribbean community. This is something that probably won’t change for a long while seeing as how the traumatic roots of black homophobia can be traced back to slavery.

However, this isn’t so to say that the way the black community, in general, treats the LGBTQ community is at all justified. Many black people use the Bible to spread hate as if God didn’t specifically tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves and leave all judgment to Him.

You don’t have to condone the feelings others have about their own sexuality, you just need to mind your business.

7. Not allowing us to have emotions.

Black children are often not allowed to have emotions other than happiness or contentment about anything. The slightest of emotions are often shut down. In fact, black parents love to compete with their children. “Oh, you cryin’ cus you scraped your knee? Boy, get up! I’m cryin’ cus I got all these bills!”

And God forbid you slam a door out of anger.

8. Perceiving dissenting opinions as disrespect.

Black children really aren’t allowed to have opinions outside of their parents’ opinions.

Point. Blank. Period.

And bless your heart if any of your opinions on religion don’t reflect those of your parents. There’s no way you don’t know this stifles your child’s mental growth. It’s one thing to want to shape your children, but what happens when they grow and realize they have no sense of self and can’t get one because they have like zero original thoughts?

9. Not allowing us to have any personal space.

I wish I could have said the words “personal space” in my mom’s house. There is nothing wrong with giving your children some alone time with their thoughts. You know you need it to stay sane, why would you assume your children don’t?

10. Continuously using explicit language.

You have to know children watch everything you do and repeat everything you say. Set an example.

11. Pretending that you’re never wrong and not apologizing when you are, in fact, dead wrong.

One thing every black millennial knows is that black parents don’t apologize… for anything. Literally, nothing is their fault, ever. And there is not one time in the history of their life as a parent that they have ever been wrong.

A black mom could leave a pot on the stove, burn down the entire block and then have the nerve to blame her children for asking for some Easy Mac. Often times growing up, my mom would jump the gun and punish me for something I didn’t do and upon realizing I was an innocent party, just go on living life like she didn’t just mollywop my edges off. Just say sorry, sometimes.

12. Making us call everyone auntie or uncle.

Everyone is not our auntie or uncle and you really should be more careful about who you let around your children. Which leads me to my final point…

13. Ignoring sexual abuse and shaming your daughters.

That inappropriate cousin that flirts with all the ladies (including blood relatives) is nasty and should really not continuously be invited to family gatherings where children are present and you know it. Those uncles that you have that make you feel like you need to tell your teen daughters to put on longer pants or cover up with a jacket are predators and should not be invited to the house.

And when your daughter tells that your husband makes her sit on his lap when they are alone together, believe her.

She did not seduce your man and he needs to be in jail.

Feel free to add any that I have missed in the comment section below.

I’m scared

I have had my share of perfect guys who turned out flawed.. I’ve loved hard and been let down even harder. Each man that comes after needs to jump higher run faster see deeper Surpass the last. 

These are not requirement that are conjured up in my brain these are subconscious realities I can’t move pass. Each new love interest always seem too good to be true. My heart flutters then falls. But my brain remains more calluses than the last inspection.

My insecurity grows with every heart break. Why didn’t this one make it? Am I not good enough? Why didn’t he love me? I’ve been told way too many times that I have a standard that’s hard to match. Wtf…. 

And here we go again… I want to run faster than ever. I feel whole and hopeless tall and stunted. I want but am fearful to have. I need but am incredulous to ask. Father would often say “a closed mouth won’t get feed” I have lived by those words for ever To guide me. But have never applied them to my love life. 

I’m scared, but I have heard that nothing worth having will come easy and fear is just a feeling felt in the beginning of all new adventures. 

Still, I’m scared.

He’s Paradisiacal



So there’s this guy named ummmm D.. He’s from LA and works for ummmm . He’s a bit different from the guys around here. He’s very analytical about things that I do… the typical guy who can only cook eggs and all that stuff. He constantly texts me and openly analyses things he observes about me. He seems genuinely interested without saying it.

It’s nothing serious, at this point. I’ve  really not been open to dating guys seriously lately.  I remember that lesson Patrick thought me, that it wasnt when I was looking when I found what I needed. A super chill guy I’ll see where this goes I guess.


Michael. Thanks but, No Thanks?

Yesterday, I received a text from an unknown sender. It turns out to be this guy from a guy I haven’t been in contact with in years ago.


After all this time he still has the biggest crush on me.

IMG_0544 2

Everything at work was going smoothly and well. Receiving a text from him made my day even brighter. It kept my mind diverted from wondering to the guy I’m crushing on.

Then it hit me, am I him to my crush? Am I be crushing on him and he just finds it cute? Will this lead to unrequited love? Will this be karma kicking my ass?


So I texted him (Crush) “good morning Sweet cheeks”

He replied “sweet cheeks?”

so tonight I will be practicing the art of  Seppuku

Good night…

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