Why aren’t we having sex like we use to?

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Does your relationship have to end up sexless? No! Not if you don’t want it to. But like most things, sustaining a healthy sexual relationship takes work. Let’s look at some of the reasons gay men stop having sex and what some possible solutions are.

Couples stop having sex for different reasons. The reasons gay men often stop having sex have to do with the dynamics of two men together in a relationship. Let’s unpack some of the reasons gay men who are in a relationship stop having sex and what can be done about it.

You become best friends with your lover

Saying that your partner is your best friend is a good thing right? Yes, it is, until he’s like your platonic best friend. As men, it can be easy to fall into a routine with your boyfriend or husband and he becomes more like a roommate than a lover.

Possible Solution

Flirt with your partner. Tell him he’s sexy. Dress up and go on dates together. Compliment his looks. Go out dancing. Make out on the couch. Write love letters to each other. Bring him flowers. A little romance goes a long way and separates the friend from the boyfriend.

You don’t make the time for sex

Once you’re out of the honeymoon phase of a relationship that time where your hormones seem to have control of your sex life, when you can’t get enough of each other sex needs to become a more deliberate thing. You need to make the time and commitment to having sex.

Possible Solution

Make a regular date for sex. Say, Sunday morning or Friday night. If you have a hard time making time for sex in your day-to-day life, plan romantic getaways where the sole purpose is to reconnect, get intimate and make love.

There are things going on outside the bedroom

He forgot, once again, to start the dishwasher and here you are again with no clean plates to eat dinner. And dammit, he forgot to pick up soy milk again? Is it really that hard? Why does he insist on doing these things that infuriate you? When you’re in a tiff with your partner, the thought of being intimate is probably the last thing on your mind.

Possible Solution

Have sex. Just do it. When you’re getting upset with each other about little things, it can be great to put that all in perspective and remember what it is you love and cherish about your partner. Rarely do you ever hear someone say, “I wish we didn’t have sex that one time.” Sex can restore the beauty in your relationship and make those little things not matter so much.

You are too busy

It seems like everyone is so busy. Jobs, outside commitments, and obligations, family responsibilities…the list goes on. Where in the world do you find the time to slow it down and make love with your husband?

Possible Solution

There’s a quote about meditation that goes something like this: “I try to meditate for 20 minutes every day, except when I’m really busy. Then I meditate for an hour.” I think the same thing should be true of sex. Being busy in your life is no reason not to take the time to be intimate and connect with your partner. In fact, it’s potentially more important in those times. When life is stressing you out, physically and emotionally connecting with your partner can often be the thing you need to bring you back to your center.

You fall out of the habit

After a long day, you make your way to the bedroom, push the dirty clothes off the bed and onto the floor, invite Fluffy up on the bed, grab the remote and watch “Scandal” until you fall asleep. While there’s nothing wrong with this habit, it is very different than creating a habit that will enhance your sex life.

Possible Solution

There’s something to be said for making sure your bed is a place you want to get romantic and have sex. That includes having pet-free and kid-free time in bed. Make making love a habit. Get into the habit and it will be easier to not to fall out of it. Why not turn “hump day” into “hump day?” Or set up some other regular sexy habit.

Sex has gotten stale or boring

Falling out of the habit of having sex is a bad thing, but so can making sex such a habit that it becomes rote and boring. Doing the same thing, in the same order–“I do you, you do me” can get pretty tired and old pretty fast. Keep things lively and exciting by mixing it up and getting creative in the bedroom. Don’t know where to start?

Possible Solution

Bring in some good gay men sex or erotic books to give you ideas and inspiration. Try a new sex toy, a new position, making love in a different location or try acting out a fantasy or role-playing. There are many ways to bring spice into your love life. Just one small change can change a lot.

You haven’t communicated your sexual desires or needs

Oftentimes, one partner will have a higher libido than the other and will be the one requesting sex more often. Or one of you wants to try something new but is afraid to bring it up. Or one of you might really like that thing you did that one time and want to do it more but is not sure you liked it too.

Possible Solution

Set aside time each month specifically to talk about your sex life and how it’s going and what you like about it and what you’d like to see improve. Talking about sex can be scary because you’re making yourself vulnerable, but you will never know what your partner is truly feeling and desiring unless you create the safe space to talk about it.

One of you is healing from sexual abuse or trauma

When one of you is a survivor of rape or sexual abuse, it can be hard on your sex life. If you’re the partner of a survivor, it can be hard to balance supporting your partner with your own desires and needs. How do you navigate such delicate territory?

Possible Solution

In a situation where one or both of you are survivors of sex abuse and it’s affecting your sex life, it’s best to bring in a professional. A good therapist or survivor support group can help toward the path of healing.

Thoughts???

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