I’m scared

I have had my share of perfect guys who turned out flawed.. I’ve loved hard and been let down even harder. Each man that comes after needs to jump higher run faster see deeper Surpass the last. 

These are not requirement that are conjured up in my brain these are subconscious realities I can’t move pass. Each new love interest always seem too good to be true. My heart flutters then falls. But my brain remains more calluses than the last inspection.

My insecurity grows with every heart break. Why didn’t this one make it? Am I not good enough? Why didn’t he love me? I’ve been told way too many times that I have a standard that’s hard to match. Wtf…. 

And here we go again… I want to run faster than ever. I feel whole and hopeless tall and stunted. I want but am fearful to have. I need but am incredulous to ask. Father would often say “a closed mouth won’t get feed” I have lived by those words for ever To guide me. But have never applied them to my love life. 

I’m scared, but I have heard that nothing worth having will come easy and fear is just a feeling felt in the beginning of all new adventures. 

Still, I’m scared.


2 thoughts on “I’m scared

  1. Hi, Kevin. I can tell you this I completely understand. About 16 years ago I was in a very similar, if not the same repetition. I got to a point where I would sit in my living room and cry wondering why no one wanted to love me and remain trustworthy once involved with me. I met a guy and never really gave him any mind. Time in and time out I would see him every once in a while and say hello but then I would move onto my next thinking this is the one for me and then boom, the guy would turn out to be fake. As fate would have it, after a bad breakup with a guy that was cheating on my with everything that walked, I spent a Sunday afternoon at a T-dance just talking about life with this guy, the one I never gave any mind too. We became friends a few months later he asked me to go to a movie and we started to hang out together more. I’ll be honest I had him in the friends category and never attempted to pursue him. He was slightly older, mature, responsible, and kind. Mind you I was ALWAYS asking God why I couldn’t find the guy that would love me and be trustworthy. Standing in front of me in a group of friends at the bar the epiphany occurred……..HE was the one! Fifteen and a half years later he is my husband and I have never looked back. What scared me the most about it when I finally realized he was for me was all of the great qualities I was not pursuing before. He had a career job, very intelligent, a huge heart, and wanted someone to love and trust. Sometimes we have someone in the “friend category” and don’t realize that one person may be the one. I hope I am on track with what you wrote is happening to you. I haven’t been online for this in a long time but I do still read you posts. Take care and best of luck!
    Regards, Michael

    Liked by 1 person


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