Hitting rock bottom is never a bad thing because it means you’re on your way back up to brighter things — but when you’re a gay man who’s single AF, the process is daunting and occasionally even hilarious. It’s not just about bad dates and spending important events and holidays alone, either; hitting rock bottom in your single life is a whole new ballgame. Here are some tell-tale signs that you’ve been through the worst of it and you’re on your way up again:
1. YOU’D RATHER HAVE ANOTHER DATE NIGHT WITH MR. FLUFFY THAN AN ACTUAL GUY.Most of your nights are blissfully spent at home in your PJs with your pet pillow because you can’t fathom leaving the house for any social activity. In fact, it’s tiring you out just thinking about it. You’re exhausted both emotionally and physically, so you’ve resolved to live the hermit life until something or someone seriously worthy comes along. And even then you don’t trust your lying feelings and pesky eyes.
2. YOU OWN MORE COMFY CLOTHES THAN GOING OUT CLOTHES.You’re probably not even sure how your jeans fit you anymore because you haven’t worn them for months. Your go-to items are all about comfort and as soon as you’re in the door from work, the pants come off, bonnet goes on ( yes I wear a silk bonnet to bed)and sweatpants go on. Ahhh, pure joy!
3. YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU REPLACED YOUR RAZOR BLADES. Shaving? What’s that? And for whom would you even consider shaving? I
4. YOUR COWORKERS ARE CONSTANTLY ASKING IF YOU’RE OKAY BECAUSE YOUR LOOK HAS… CHANGED, TO PUT IT KINDLY.Your colleagues wonder if you’re ill or if you’ve been up all night partying due to the state of your appearance. You used to be expertly put together on a daily basis (in case of eligible bachelor sightings) but you could care less now. jeans and sweatshirts are your BFF’s now.
5. YOUR MOM OFFERS TO PAY FOR YOUR ONLINE DATING MEMBERSHIP.Your parents are legit worried about the state of your future, and yes, their future too. As you feel their biological grandparent clocks start to tick, they offer to pay the tab for a match.com or eHarmony account to get you off “that Tinder crap”, as they like to call it.
6. YOU’VE ALREADY DATED YOUR FIRST THREE GRINDR MATCHES.When you do log onto to Grindr to hopefully seek a future boyfriend or an actual date for that matter, you’re met with a list of familiar faces that you’ve already dated but you swipe right anyway. You’re not above recycling anymore.
7. YOUR FRIENDS HAVE STOPPED GIVING YOU A PLUS-ONE INVITE.It’s just assumed now that you won’t have someone to bring to any wedding or holiday gathering you attend, so all of your envelopes are marked “Dear Single friend” and your RSVPs are requested for you and you only.
8. YOU’RE ALWAYS THE FIRST TO LEAVE PARTIES.You’re the first one to make a stealth exit from parties to the point that you’ve gotten really good at leaving without those awkward goodbyes and answering those, “So what are you up to for the rest of the night?” questions. Everyone knows the answer and you’re eager to get to it, which is home to the comfort of your pajamas and away from social interaction among other happy couples.
9. YOU HAVE NO ACTIVE MEMBERS IN YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK AND YOU LIKE IT THAT WAY.You stopped hooking up with your friend with benefits a long time ago and your bedposts are so dusty, you could write poetry on them. You’re not just single, you’re so painfully single that sex and being intimate with anything that isn’t battery operated has become a completely foreign concept to you.
10. YOU SERIOUSLY DGAF THAT YOU’RE SINGLE.Rock bottom isn’t the worst place to be, but it’s clear that you’re there and it actually doesn’t really faze you at all. You’re on your own — maybe it’ll be that way forever or maybe it won’t; only time will tell. The funny thing about being at the rock bottom of your single life is that it’s actually a pretty comfortable place to be. Sure, the people around you might take notice of your single AF lifestyle and your blatant disregard for romance, but that’s probably exactly where you’ll be when you finally meet the right person. Like they say, you have to hit rock bottom before you start to see amazing things start to happen so embrace your rock bottom single life. It’s a sign something is about to change for the better.